Pregnancy is a lot of things. It can be a joyous and wonderful time in a woman’s life. A time filled with hopes and dreams for your future child and your family. And when a pregnancy is lost, all of those hopes and dreams are shattered. My blog is a place of sharing, of all of the experiences of motherhood and I am honoured to provide my friend Jacqueline Neher from Urban Chickadee a chance to share her story and to help her in her healing journey.
For those of you who do not know me, I am Jacqueline Neher. I am the co-founder of Urban Chickadee, Edmonton’s premiere baby planning company and I deal with all things pregnancy and baby on a daily basis. Ironically, here I am writing my story of a pregnancy loss. I am doing this in an effort to heal, and to share. My story reflects my shattered hope and the heart breaking loss that comes with a miscarriage.
Let me take this back to December 2011. We had just found out we were pregnant after over nine months of trying. A person can only take so much rejection, and I was scared to even do the pregnancy test. With all the hope and anticipation I could muster up, I took the test and sure enough there was a “+” sign on that little stick. We were pregnant! My husband was at work until later that morning, and I decided to text him a picture of the stick – he was elated! The day was perfect!
We were going to wait to share the news with everyone until Christmas. We had our daughter’s 2nd birthday coming up, and wanted to embrace her time for what it was. My excitement got the better of me though, and I told my sister. I then I told my mom, and from there it slowly escalated to our entire immediate family and some close friends.
The timing of this pregnancy was absolutely perfect. My first trimester would be over on my birthday and we were due in the summer. I was not particularly looking forward to being pregnant in the heat, but I was excited because my mom would be off work and she would be able to provide the extra help we needed. It seemed like everything was working out in our favour! The nine months of trying would finally be paying off.
It wasn’t long before I found myself into the 9th week of pregnancy. I started to spot and my heart began to shatter. My gut wrenched at the sight of the little bit of blood. For those of you familiar with pregnancy and miscarriage, you will know that this can often occur and mean nothing. At the same time I was sick about the other possibility. I tried to act like it was nothing, but all day I was out of sorts. Then it happened again the next day, and that horrid feeling in my stomach would not go away despite my efforts to brush it off. In an attempt to ward off any potential loss of this baby I even tried not to do anything too physical and eat healthier. I told myself that maybe, just maybe, this could be the cause of the bleeding and I could stop it. This was all happening over the weekend it wasn’t until Monday that I could call my doctor. I held on to the hope that everything would be OK.
When Monday arrived I was able to get an appointment to see my doctor. They sent me for blood tests that would check to see if the pregnancy hormones were still going up. Thursday came, and my doctor called to tell me that the hormone levels were not rising, they but were still high. She asked if I was still bleeding, and I told her it was down to very minor spotting. To further assess the pregnancy I was booked for an ultrasound the next day – the morning of Friday the 13th. I’ve never liked that day. Maybe because of all the superstitious and bad things thought to occur on it. Turns out Friday the 13th can indeed bring bad luck, as we were about to discover.
During the ultrasound I knew something was wrong. The technician kept asking me “Are you sure your dates are correct?”. Of course I was! Throughout our attempt to conceive I had been charting and watching my cycles closely. The technician left to go get my husband, telling me “this is the hard part of my job”.
There I was, left on the table with an ultrasound scope in-between my legs (oh yes – always fun). I waited to be told the news and tried to hold back tears (and of course the scope in-between my legs). The technician came back into the room with a parade – my husband, my daughter, and the radiologist. The radiologist and technician stood there, gazing at the screen and tilting their heads. They told us that even though they couldn’t get a good look at the “baby” it was only measuring at about 5-6 weeks. Apparently this is neither “good news nor bad news”, and they could not confirm anything. Either our dates were just wrong, or the “baby” wasn’t growing.
So we left… my husband remained the optimistic one, but I was not. I assumed the worst. We got home and talked things out. I Googled for hours and came to the conclusion that everything was still going to be OK. My hope returned.
We waited for my doctor to call on Monday. She was not feeling good about the ultrasound, and she wanted to do another blood test. At this point I was so MAD at her! I wanted her to at least be a little optimistic. Why was she being so negative? Why can’t we just wait? Despite my anger I trudged off to the lab to be pricked again. When I got home all I did was pray and hope.
My doctor called at 8 AM the next morning. The hormones had decreased again…and with that news, all my hope was gone.
We lost our baby.
I felt my heart shatter and watched as my husbands did too. We emotionally broke down and shared that pain with one another. Our two-year old daughter stood there watching us sob into each other’s arms, not knowing why. Thoughts ran through my head: be strong, don’t be silly, this is no one’s fault, it’s only 9 weeks – get over it! This is not something you can just get over and I cried for the baby we will never meet, for the milestones that won’t be reached and for having to start attempts for a pregnancy all over again. I felt so cheated.
And as if that emotional turmoil wasn’t enough, my nightmare continued. I was told I would have to decide how I would like to “take care of this” miscarriage. They call my situation a missed abortion (what a horrific term) and refer to this unborn child as a fetus or embryo. I cringed at the medical terms and tried to make sense of what was happening. My mind fought to detach from the fact there is no “baby” and the fact that it has not left my body yet. A decision has to be made on how that is going to happen, and the nurse from the Early Pregnancy Loss Clinic walked me through my options. All of the options are upsetting and the nurse tells me that they don’t like to do surgery, so my best one is to insert some pills. The pills that will end it all. When I talked to the nurse I just wanted this whole thing to be over, I didn’t even want to go another day. I began to think of it as a fake pregnancy and I just wanted it to be done. I asked how soon I could get the pills and I planned for the weekend.
It’s a surreal thing to plan your own miscarriage. You go through so many emotions. You wonder, is this really true? Can we just get this over with? You question if you can even get through it. You fear it is not really done.
The nurse described the horrific physical symptoms that may present during the process and we planned for my daughter to be with my mom. I didn’t want her to see me in any more pain and my husband wanted to be there for me. The morning I inserted the pills my husband and I braced for the worst. We waited… and waited… and waited… finally there is a bit of cramping and some blood, but nothing like they said it would be. My daughter came home from my mom’s place and we all sat in bed and watched TV together. I thought that maybe it won’t be so bad and checked in with the clinic. The clinic staff did not think I had miscarried yet and apparently the first dose of pills only works for 60% of women. I have to do it again.
The second attempt worked and it was SO bad. I won’t go into the gory details, but it was the worst day of my life! I believe my mind tried to protect me and I felt numb. It was as if I couldn’t process what I was actually going through. Then it continued…
…for three more gut-wrenching days.
I am now an empty shell.
Looking back at the last few months I think the only way I could have gotten through all of it was because of the support of my husband, who grieved with me and cared for me. I am also so glad that I reached out on social media. I can not believe how many people shared my story and reached out to me. I did not feel so alone.
In an effort to move on, we’ve planned a special trip for our little family. My focus will be on a healthier lifestyle for the future as I try to forget about the loss. Every once in a while it still hits me like a brick wall, but I try to refocus my thoughts and get through the moment.
My husband is such an optimist, and he tells me that this is one more experience I have to relate to with people in my life and in my business. My grandmother always tells me that “God only gives us what we can handle”. I guess God thinks I am one hell of a strong woman. If that’s the case, then that is what will be. I will be strong for me, my daughter, my husband, and for the future children that will grace this family.
Jacqueline Neher became mama to Little Q in 2009 and is one half of the amazing baby planning and design company, Urban Chickadee.
You can follow her on Twitter and on her Facebook page for all the latest in design trends for babies and the mamas and daddies who love them!
Love is all I can offer you right now Jackie. Much love
Thanks Meaghan, I’m doing much better now.
Oh My Friend … thank-you for sharing that incredibly personal story with all of us. I won’t even pretend to understand what you’re feeling, so I offer you my love and prayers. ~Hugs.
Thanks so much for the love and prayers. It was a hard one for us, but we are doing a lot better now.
Jackie, I am so sorry for your loss.
I went through almost the exact situation in 2010. Hubs and I were so crushed. I still think about my miscarriage and the “what ifs” everyday.
I wish I could tell you that it’ll get easier. I wish I could tell you that this is a blimp in the process of having another child. I wish I could reach out and give you a giant hug.
My heart breaks for you. This is not an easy thing to talk about, but now that you have, you’ll find that there are a lot of us that have been through this.
I’m so sorry!
Thanks Jen, it is comforting to know that you are not the only one who goes through it. It’s so hard, and we are doing better, but there are still times where it really hurts. Thanks for the hugs.
First off, love and hugs to you and your family. Big ones, and lots of them. Secondly, thank you. We don’t talk about these things, and so as someone goes through it, it can be a scary and lonely world. Thank you for sharing your experience, as hard as it must have been to write! <3
Thanks Erie, I wanted to share because so many people have gone through this and it really helps to talk about it and share with others.
So very sorry for your loss. We see the positive pregnancy test and we’re not just pregnant but we’re having a child that we’re taking to swimming lessons and helping get through University. I wish you healing & joy and peace.
Kathleen, that’s exactly it! I used to think that people who lost a baby early on shouldn’t feel “that bad”, but now, I know different.
Thank you so much for sharing this. We suffered a miscarriage a few weeks ago and I know all too well the pain and grief you’re carrying. We didn’t tell anyone we were pregnant, so I’ve felt as if I were “alone” in the aftermath of it all. It helps knowing there are others out there experiencing the same emotions.
Wishing you love and courage and strength as you heal.
Oh Ally, I’m so sorry. You are not alone, and I had felt like that too. But reaching out has helped so much. Wishing you love, strength and courage as well.
Jackie, I am so incredibly sorry that you had to experience that kind of loss. Your words sound so strong, as it takes strength to open up and share, but I know all to well that the grieving is a long process. I pray that you will continue to receive support and that those around you will always have a listening ear and an open heart whenever you need to vent, cry, or share a milestone. I’ve been there not once but twice and spent 4 long years facing the rejection of another failed cycle. You’re not alone, it’s a sad thought buy at the same time, a comforting one because this experience can make us feel so alone at times. Thank you for having the strength to open up and share. And thank you for your heart warming hospitality at bump camp, I still look forward to our summer reunion! Prayers and love to you and your family, mama.
Jayme, I was wondering if I would hear from you. I know you’ve been through this too and my heart goes out to you as well. I wanted to share because I was honestly surprised how many people have gone through this, yet no one really talks about it – and as you know I love to share!
Hope to see you again soon. Give that little one a big squeeze for me.
Jackie, thank you for sharing. I had three miscarriages before my son. All I could think was that there was something wrong with me…why did no child want me as their mother? I always heard from everyone how strong I was- no one ever saw me crying. I did, but always in private…I am now even. My husband’s sisters thought I was a heartless witch for going on like nothing happened. It was my way of dealing with it.
I’m sorry, no one should have to go through losing a child, and worse- planning it. I had a round of the pills too. painful.
Gia, I’m so sorry for your losses. The hardest part sometimes is dealing with other’s reactions to your loss. So many people don’t understand and yet still judge you for how you cope.
And yes, planning it was awful, as you know. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Oh Jackie, I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you and C. Your post was beautifully written and described almost exactly what Nate and I went through in 2009, and I think it’s a wonderful and brave thing to share your story with others. Much love to you guys. As you know I also know how hard it is to try and try with no success, so I’m here if you need support in that area or to talk about your loss. P.S. we need to get together soon!
Thanks Katie, I’m getting better and so is C. It is so tough to go through something like this. Support is so needed.
Hope to see you soon!
Jackie,
As you know I love and adore you! Thank you Natasha for sharing her post so others can relate.
Karissa
Thanks Karissa, for all your love and support.
Jackie
Thanks for sharing your heartbreaking story. You are most definitely strong, brave and an amazing person. I love that you have such a supportive family through all this and I look forward to seeing the twinkle in your eye return next time I see you. Take care.
Jenaya
Thank you so much Jenaya, I was very lucky to have the support I did.
Jackie,
I don’t have the proper words. Just know you are brave, you are inspiring, and you are loved. More than you will know.
Leah
Leah, thank you so much for the kind words. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing and supportive people.
I felt the same way, Jackie. It was so hard to find support and the best I found was a small Facebook group of local women but it was a fairly inactive group. We always talked of meeting but there was never any follow through. I’ve always thought of starting one, and still would, but my journey had taken me on some crazy rides this last year!
I think that’s a great idea if you still want to go through with it then let me know, I’d be happy to join you.
Much love to you and your precious family.
Thanks Skyla. <3
Jackie my heart just aches for you!! That was so incredibly brave of you and I truly want to thank you for writing this! I am absolutely astonished at how many people have gone through this. When this happened to me I felt completely alone and like there was something wrong with me. Even though I was just 12 weeks I felt such a loss and it really is a loss of all your hopes and dreams for them. Thank you for being such an inspiration!!
Thank you Erin. It certainly does bring comfort in knowing you are not alone. I also want people to be able to talk about this more because it is very real to those it is happening to. I appreciate all these amazing coming out and supporting me as well.
I’ll look into everything involved over the next week and I’ll message you at urban chickadee. <3
Sounds great!
Jackie, I am so sorry for your loss. You are so brave and strong to share your story, and I am sure you will help many others by sharing. Lots of hugs!!!
Thanks Sheena! I hope it helps people and makes it so they don’t feel so alone.
Thanks you for sharing your story. A difficult story to tell (and to read) but so important to share. Glad to hear from your tweets that your time away served its purpose and that your family is healing and finding hope.
I’m glad that I shared, it has helped. I’m looking forward to moving forward now.
Jackie this is why we love you so much! So open and honest! Its been 5 years since my loss and I can tell you it does get better. I do feel It happened so that I can be supportive to others. Thanks for sharing your experience! I’m sure it has helped so many and will continue to do so! XXOO
Thank you so much Sajida. I hope to be able to use this now as support.