It hit without warning.
A small dot on my chest that felt a little tight.
And then it got bigger.
And bigger.
And then I started to breathe a little faster. And shorter.
I managed to get the kids dressed and fed before it hit me full force.
But come it did…
And then BAM!
There I was, hunched over my desk, sobbing and hyperventilating uncontrollably…
And having the first FULL ON anxiety attack I have had in over 15 years.
My poor little girl just looked at me and said “Mommy, what is wrong with you?”
I didn’t have an answer for her.
I somehow managed to pull myself together long enough to get the kids to school. I did not talk to anyone for fear that the flood gates would not hold if I so much as opened my mouth.
I lost it again when I got back in the car, drove out of the school parking lot, pulled over again, called a friend and tried to let it all out.
I did make it to the gym, had another ugly cry with a good friend and then had an hour to focus on something else for a bit…the burning in my legs from jump training on the Pilates reformer and not the squeezing, breath-stealing feelings I was having in my chest. So that was good while it lasted.
Needless to say, it has been a VERY long day.
I have puffy eyes from all the tears that keep coming and don’t seem to want to stop and I can’t really THINK too much right now about anything without the tightness coming back a bit…
I tried to do things today that made me feel happy.
You know, the little things. Like having a long shower, putting on pretty jewelry, going to a grown-up coffee shop all by myself and getting a bang trim. Thank goodness it was a babysitter day!
Tonight I immersed myself into mindless data entry as I try to finish up all the accounting for the NUM store closure and found a soundtrack to keep my mind happy while doing it. It involved a lot of new boy band songs {think One Direction and The Wanted} interspersed with Florence and the Machine and my new favourite songstress, Ingrid Michealson.
I know I will have to face whatever it is that is making me feel like this, but first I have to figure out what exactly that is…
I kind of have an idea, but it is not completely clear just yet.
Today was a total stealth attack. No warning. Total chaos.
Tomorrow, all units are on high alert.
N~
I love Ingrid Michaelson. Good luck on getting to the bottom of the attack. Sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better.
Hey
Maybe we should extend our shopping trip to be a weekend camping trip – we can do it, two moms and their crazy kids tenting it – maybe in Drumheller?
Hope you feel better – call me anytime!
And just remember to breathe!
Thinking of you and sending you love and support. I’m glad you had a friend to turn to- know that many of us are here for you, whenever you need it…even if it’s just to drop off the littles and have some much needed alone time on a non-baby sitter day. <3 you.
Thank you for sharing! This came at a time when I am struggling with similar feelings and emotions. My support network is small and your willingness to speak about it is like a friend from afar
Thank you again.
I do hope things get better for you! May love and light shine on you and yours.